My Diary Entries: 1st November 2007 (2 AM): Forgiveness

We had walked together, and although we never held each other’s hand, we felt each other’s warmth in the space of our breaths. And today we find ourselves separated not by miles but by the worlds we live in. That space between our breaths has become too very insignificant. I once wondered what has got into it. All I found was a deep pain of loss. And so I started living in the breaths of my life. But am I not living the other equal part too… between my breaths?

She had cried, I could see and for once I felt like crying too. The ambience of the party would masquerade my tears, I knew. But then I discovered I had no tears left in me. There was no desire for the pain to come out and embrace the world. Content it was within me and I was struggling to say goodbye to this only constant thing in my life. Have I become too stonehearted to forgive myself? I wondered but not for long. We were in a party and had to attend to other things as well.

Late at night the following evening, I decided to clear my inbox of SMSes. Resting my head on a pillow, I started reading and deleting the trivial ones. It was then that I encountered her SMSes: the everyday good morning quotes she used to send, a few ones where she told me how much she was missing me, the ones which had prompted me to think of our relationship, the ones seasoned in the spices of lies, the promises that were never kept or maybe forgotten, the few complaints, and an endless sea of explanations. Arsenic poisoning, they call it in medical parlance, but I’d still name it as a slow death where the pain starts off as a pleasure and then slowly gets into you. Those SMSes transformed me from a smiling individual enjoying the Sun to the one of today, waiting for the Sun to set to be able to see the swirls of his cigarette smoke more clearly –all in the blink of an eye.

I found my pillow getting wet and before I could realize I was sobbing hard. I held back, lest someone might hear me, but then gave way to the on flow.

And while I’m crying my silent tear today, I know she has someone to wipe hers. In that cauldron of empathy she’d reside and she’d slowly take it as the flow of care and understanding.

I’d wait for her to bring me the day when we had smiled on a sunny day and prayed that it’d not end; I’d wait for her to give me that one single moment of her unadulterated life which she would not share with anyone; I’d wait for her to bring me the gifts of love bought in the company of no one except my thoughts; I’d wait for her to understand the song sung by the masses for her to realize the truth in it; I’d wait for her to lay down her fortress and still command the respect of the attackers; I’d wait for her to look into the West with a hold on the East; And I’d wait……

Till I learn how to fill the spaces between my breaths.